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Constructive. [ March 11th, 2006 at 03:37 pm.] I try biting my nails but I don't bite my nails. I try moving but I can't move. I tear the skin off my lips and I don't have anywhere to go. Where's my fucking existence? I can't answer in anything but guesses. Nothing is locked but I scratch and scream for keys no one and nowhere has, that no one and nowhere needs because there are no keyholes. This is not the end of your life, me too, you have such a pretty face, please don't cry. Heat on glass is nothing that will last. I don't have anywhere to go but I would follow you if you would follow me. Maybe this is dangerous and maybe this isn't allowed. Maybe I'll snap instead of bending into you. Maybe I'll say too much and maybe you'll hear too little, maybe I'll push the limit and push you away. I've learned from my mistakes and that's what I want you to understand. I know who I am and if you want to too, so do I. I want to know who you are. I don't have anywhere else to go. edit entry

FUCKING GENIUS. [ February 28th, 2006 at 09:12 pm.] i am tripping! edit entry

Augh! [ February 2nd, 2006 at 07:16 pm.] where my zombies at?! edit entry

Just try not to think about it too hard. [ January 28th, 2006 at 06:21 pm.] i'm surprised that you could hear me through that buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz and i'm surprised you kept on trying with all of me ending in a was i would have liked it if someone said thank you it's the most you could do and that's lame we're coming down to our last regrets and there's too much dark before i fall asleep the only way i could possibly make it across was a blind leap and when i finally got there i couldn't see you have no idea how much this means to me and you have no idea how sorry i am i bet your body's iced-over like your voice and if i wasn't so heated up i wouldn't have the reason to cool down this isn't the first time around so don't plead ignorance don't tell me i'm wrong because i know i'm right i never said there was anything bad about the way you think but i never said there was anything good i don't know what makes easy easy and hard hard there's absolutely no excuse when your skin is scarred and when your ankles break and your brain's fucked up you only tell lies and if someone likes truth that's tough when i just want a horizon and you forgot that no two words could possibly be said the same i think i'm the only one who thinks i'm still sane i think i'm still sane edit entry

I don't think I could stand it. [ January 21st, 2006 at 04:10 pm.] You open the doors and there's nothing there and you don't think that's logical. You trip into walls but you can't run into anything on purpose. Your fingers go cross and your legs go scarred and the only way out of this reality is through reality, while figuring out that they were right and reality's all in your head. What's this screen and why can't I get through; what kind of unbreakable, unbendable, unthinkable thought proccess is this? Are we there yet? I remember I like this so I do this, I remember I like to be here so I am here. I don't think I could stand it if I didn't say I could but I did so I can. I remember these beat-up hands are mine so I don't push them away when they hurt. I remember these plastic words are fun so I don't shove them off when I'm sick to the stomach of the damage they're trying to do. What kind of damage are they trying to do? How mad do you have to be to believe in sanity? How sane do you have to be to believe in madness? How hard do you have to try before you finally push through a door that won't open, because it's the truth when I say that nothing's ever locked the way it's meant to be. There are so many door that can open. And if there's unlocked doors there must be unlocked windows. There must be unlocked windows and gates and buildings and faces of people I've never thought about pushing through before, there must be so many unlocked ways to go through doors and sanity and madness and reality and between your fingers that I've pushed through at least one. I just need to fucking know if I've pushed through at least one. edit entry

Yes. [ January 14th, 2006 at 01:26 pm.] maybe if i had put more to my time and less to my hands somehow i could get you to understand maybe if i had taken more on my footing and less on the floor there would be something else separating my face and yours i never wanted to go this deep and when i got here i never wanted shallow again it doesn't matter when you haven't got morals to defend i don't know why and i never knew why not i didn't realize till later that you can't hit the top and i didn't realize till now that the top was a lie the grass is greener and i'm so sick of us being shy i'm so sick of us being friendly and nice and mature even you have to admit it was never like this before from the minute i met you i swore i could see your eyes and the top is all lies they told you in lies edit entry

Call it self-preservation but I fucking hate you. [ January 5th, 2006 at 05:21 pm.] it's the only true thing i ever heard you say next year doesn't seem so far away this isn't a test of impulses to see what's fiercer your guilt or your shame but i want to see where you trust yourself your heart or your brain i've got meaning hit by traffic and i've got meaning hit by you i've got a lot of meaning, really and there's a lot that i can do i don't think this is a waste and i don't think i adapt well i don't think i adapt to anything when i'm just the mistake someone's trying to sell this stupid missing you goes straight to where i always need more and your hands were just like yours your hands were strong like yours edit entry

I think you are lame. [ January 4th, 2006 at 06:00 pm.] I don't think we have an understanding. I don't think we understand each other at all. Excuse me. Excuse me for assuming that you have a brain capacity. edit entry

Just something. [ December 6th, 2005 at 04:52 pm.] remember me? you sucked the love right out of lover my heart is in my chest not up my skirt edit entry

What did you say? [ November 30th, 2005 at 07:49 pm.] This is happening. edit entry

Where? [ November 12th, 2005 at 05:43 pm.] gauge this response to another reason i'm not sorry i never said i wanted to hear another story about why you're so fucking great you're so good at pushing me down again my knees could always use some more bruising you'll never get sick of using my brain and my face and my mouth but i'm getting so tired of balancing on caffeinated wire late night is such a bad liar go exist somewhere else edit entry

I think I have mono. [ November 9th, 2005 at 03:38 pm.] Each footstep was dull and pounding in my head and maybe if this doesn't work we can try again later. It's win all or lose all and I haven't been feeling very lucky in these cracking chapped lips. I wake up exhausted and you're the first thing on my mind but never in my dreams; I've never lowered myself to this level before and trust me when I say I know exactly what it feels like. Trust me when I say I know exactly how much I want this. I'm picturing it and pictures are the only thing I have to wrap my mind around until I throw them out or back at you. You haven't seen what I've seen but that's okay because you will soon. edit entry

Dammit. [ November 6th, 2005 at 04:35 pm.] I lied. My stomach is butterflies getting their wings plucked off. edit entry

Halloween is tomorrow! Hallo-Hallo-Halloween is t-t-tomorrow! [ October 30th, 2005 at 02:56 am.] If every single person and every single thing that at some point had the slightest memory or feel or trace of you got rid of that memory or feel or trace what would happen? What the hell would happen? I breath and I look and I see and I hear and I blink and I come to the sudden realization that I've been breathing and looking and seeing and hearing and blinking all along without paying attention but what's attention and what was I thinking about a second ago? A minute ago? An hour ago? A year, a decade, a lifetime ago? And how many times have I gone over this? This is so over. This is so overdone. This. This is so overdone. You were just an afterthought. After what? Afterthought. After I thought. After I thought about something else and somewhere else and someone else then fell after all on you. After all on you and after it all you were the one in my way in a straight line of falling and tumbling and leaping and crawling and jumping. And flying. And flying. And flying. I've got so much rested on flying and you might just smash into me if it isn't true. And flying. And flying. And you. It's something beautiful and crazy and small and so fucking big that I can't fit it in my palms or under my skin or anywhere between lips. You'll start walking in my direction and I'll start walking in your direction and maybe we'll fall into each other but what am I thinking? What am I doing? What am I breathing? Is this oxygen in the air because I don't think my lungs can take this much longer and I don't think you can either. Choking is tough luck but what did I ever know about luck and what did I ever know about you? Who are you and what is this mind trip and why is a mind such an easy thing to trip over? I'm sorry, but I think I'm in love with you. I hate this song. You'll regret it. This life is so surreal. edit entry

Take me to the stars and 7-11. [ October 7th, 2005 at 11:07 pm.] and i think someone else liking me makes you like me a little less and i think it's so small that you still like me best i know i'm not right but i can't be wrong i know i'm not right but it's taking too long go for how it looks on paper we're all so good at getting back you tried harder but that's beyond the fact everyone keeps mentioning real life but this seems real enough to me and all i really want is a fucking slurpee edit entry

Don't forget! [ September 25th, 2005 at 08:56 pm.] somewhere in the sky someone's screaming themself blue sweetheart, i'd do it too if it wasn't for you what a power trip between your hands and your strings your fingertips hard set and ready kinda like other things you're not good to hold anyone that way you're not good to even say that tight can go insane it's not plausible you're causable to this tripping in my brain i can teach you too don't you dare say it's not true and i get lost so easy in that baby blue edit entry

And we'll throw in these lovely salad tongs! [ July 12th, 2005 at 02:34 am.] Hey, Mom and Dad! Your child can be the next corporate bitch! Just send a self-addressed postcard to: My-Childhood-was-Ruined-by-Countless-Heart-Wrenching-Experiences-but-Oddly-Enough-I've-Learned-Nothing-but-How-to-Crush-Dreams-and-Physically-Abuse-My-Offspring-Therefore-Setting-the-Platform-for-the-Next-Twenty-Years-of-Their-Therapy-and-Dead-End-Jobs! 740 Kings Hwy. Rochester, NY 14617 edit entry

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