alina!

Constructive.

Sat, 11 Mar 2006 20:37:51 GMT

I try biting my nails but I don't bite my nails. I try moving but I can't move. I tear the skin off my lips and I don't have anywhere to go.

Where's my fucking existence? I can't answer in anything but guesses. Nothing is locked but I scratch and scream for keys no one and nowhere has, that no one and nowhere needs because there are no keyholes. This is not the end of your life, me too, you have such a pretty face, please don't cry.

Heat on glass is nothing that will last.

I don't have anywhere to go but I would follow you if you would follow me.

Maybe this is dangerous and maybe this isn't allowed. Maybe I'll snap instead of bending into you. Maybe I'll say too much and maybe you'll hear too little, maybe I'll push the limit and push you away.

I've learned from my mistakes and that's what I want you to understand. I know who I am and if you want to too, so do I.

I want to know who you are.

I don't have anywhere else to go.

FUCKING GENIUS.

Wed, 01 Mar 2006 02:14:07 GMT

i am tripping!

Augh!

Fri, 03 Feb 2006 00:17:06 GMT

where my zombies at?!

Just try not to think about it too hard.

Sat, 28 Jan 2006 23:22:05 GMT

i'm surprised that you could hear me
through that buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz
and i'm surprised you kept on trying
with all of me ending in a was
i would have liked it if someone said thank you
it's the most you could do and that's lame
we're coming down to our last regrets
and there's too much dark before i fall asleep
the only way i could possibly make it across was a blind leap
and when i finally got there i couldn't see
you have no idea how much this means to me
and you have no idea how sorry i am
i bet your body's iced-over like your voice
and if i wasn't so heated up i wouldn't have the reason to cool down
this isn't the first time around so don't plead ignorance
don't tell me i'm wrong because i know i'm right
i never said there was anything bad about the way you think
but i never said there was anything good
i don't know what makes easy easy and hard hard
there's absolutely no excuse when your skin is scarred
and when your ankles break
and your brain's fucked up
you only tell lies and if someone likes truth that's tough
when i just want a horizon
and you forgot that no two words could possibly be said the same
i think i'm the only one who thinks i'm still sane
i think i'm still sane

I don't think I could stand it.

Sat, 21 Jan 2006 21:13:05 GMT

You open the doors and there's nothing there and you don't think that's logical. You trip into walls but you can't run into anything on purpose. Your fingers go cross and your legs go scarred and the only way out of this reality is through reality, while figuring out that they were right and reality's all in your head. What's this screen and why can't I get through; what kind of unbreakable, unbendable, unthinkable thought proccess is this? Are we there yet? I remember I like this so I do this, I remember I like to be here so I am here. I don't think I could stand it if I didn't say I could but I did so I can. I remember these beat-up hands are mine so I don't push them away when they hurt. I remember these plastic words are fun so I don't shove them off when I'm sick to the stomach of the damage they're trying to do. What kind of damage are they trying to do? How mad do you have to be to believe in sanity? How sane do you have to be to believe in madness? How hard do you have to try before you finally push through a door that won't open, because it's the truth when I say that nothing's ever locked the way it's meant to be. There are so many door that can open. And if there's unlocked doors there must be unlocked windows. There must be unlocked windows and gates and buildings and faces of people I've never thought about pushing through before, there must be so many unlocked ways to go through doors and sanity and madness and reality and between your fingers that I've pushed through at least one. I just need to fucking know if I've pushed through at least one.

Yes.

Sat, 14 Jan 2006 18:26:40 GMT

maybe if i had put more to my time
and less to my hands
somehow i could get you to understand
maybe if i had taken more on my footing
and less on the floor
there would be something else separating
my face and yours
i never wanted to go this deep
and when i got here i never wanted shallow again
it doesn't matter when you haven't got morals to defend
i don't know why
and i never knew why not
i didn't realize till later
that you can't hit the top
and i didn't realize till now
that the top was a lie
the grass is greener and i'm so sick of us being shy
i'm so sick of us being friendly
and nice and mature
even you have to admit it was never like this before
from the minute i met you i swore i could see your eyes
and the top is all lies
they told you in lies

Call it self-preservation but I fucking hate you.

Thu, 05 Jan 2006 22:27:11 GMT

it's the only true thing i ever heard you say
next year doesn't seem so far away
this isn't a test of impulses
to see what's fiercer
your guilt or your shame
but i want to see where you trust yourself
your heart or your brain
i've got meaning hit by traffic
and i've got meaning hit by you
i've got a lot of meaning, really
and there's a lot that i can do
i don't think this is a waste
and i don't think i adapt well
i don't think i adapt to anything
when i'm just the mistake someone's trying to sell
this stupid missing you
goes straight to where i always need more
and your hands were just like yours
your hands were strong like yours

I think you are lame.

Wed, 04 Jan 2006 23:35:13 GMT

I don't think we have an understanding. I don't think we understand each other at all.

Excuse me. Excuse me for assuming that you have a brain capacity.

Just something.

Tue, 06 Dec 2005 21:53:41 GMT

remember me?
you sucked the love right out of lover
my heart is in my chest
not up my skirt

What did you say?

Thu, 01 Dec 2005 00:52:15 GMT

This is happening.

Where?

Sat, 12 Nov 2005 22:44:42 GMT

gauge this response
to another reason i'm not sorry
i never said i wanted to hear another story
about why you're so fucking great
you're so good at pushing me down again
my knees could always use some more bruising
you'll never get sick of using
my brain and my face and my mouth
but i'm getting so tired
of balancing on caffeinated wire
late night is such a bad liar
go exist somewhere else

I think I have mono.

Wed, 09 Nov 2005 20:38:10 GMT

Each footstep was dull and pounding in my head and maybe if this doesn't work we can try again later. It's win all or lose all and I haven't been feeling very lucky in these cracking chapped lips. I wake up exhausted and you're the first thing on my mind but never in my dreams; I've never lowered myself to this level before and trust me when I say I know exactly what it feels like. Trust me when I say I know exactly how much I want this. I'm picturing it and pictures are the only thing I have to wrap my mind around until I throw them out or back at you. You haven't seen what I've seen but that's okay because you will soon.

Dammit.

Sun, 06 Nov 2005 21:36:07 GMT

I lied.

My stomach is butterflies getting their wings plucked off.

Halloween is tomorrow! Hallo-Hallo-Halloween is t-t-tomorrow!

Sun, 30 Oct 2005 07:29:41 GMT

If every single person and every single thing that at some point had the slightest memory or feel or trace of you got rid of that memory or feel or trace what would happen? What the hell would happen?

I breath and I look and I see and I hear and I blink and I come to the sudden realization that I've been breathing and looking and seeing and hearing and blinking all along without paying attention but what's attention and what was I thinking about a second ago? A minute ago? An hour ago? A year, a decade, a lifetime ago? And how many times have I gone over this? This is so over. This is so overdone. This. This is so overdone.

You were just an afterthought. After what? Afterthought. After I thought. After I thought about something else and somewhere else and someone else then fell after all on you. After all on you and after it all you were the one in my way in a straight line of falling and tumbling and leaping and crawling and jumping. And flying. And flying. And flying. I've got so much rested on flying and you might just smash into me if it isn't true. And flying. And flying. And you.

It's something beautiful and crazy and small and so fucking big that I can't fit it in my palms or under my skin or anywhere between lips.

You'll start walking in my direction and I'll start walking in your direction and maybe we'll fall into each other but what am I thinking? What am I doing? What am I breathing? Is this oxygen in the air because I don't think my lungs can take this much longer and I don't think you can either. Choking is tough luck but what did I ever know about luck and what did I ever know about you?

Who are you and what is this mind trip and why is a mind such an easy thing to trip over?

I'm sorry, but I think I'm in love with you.

I hate this song.

You'll regret it.

This life is so surreal.

Take me to the stars and 7-11.

Fri, 07 Oct 2005 23:32:43 GMT

and i think someone else liking me
makes you like me a little less
and i think it's so small
that you still like me best
i know i'm not right but i can't be wrong
i know i'm not right but it's taking too long
go for how it looks on paper
we're all so good at getting back
you tried harder but that's beyond the fact
everyone keeps mentioning real life
but this seems real enough to me
and all i really want
is a fucking slurpee

Don't forget!

Sun, 25 Sep 2005 20:52:38 GMT

somewhere in the sky
someone's screaming themself blue
sweetheart, i'd do it too
if it wasn't for you
what a power trip
between your hands
and your strings
your fingertips
hard set and ready
kinda like other things
you're not good
to hold anyone that way
you're not good
to even say
that tight can go insane
it's not plausible
you're causable
to this tripping in my brain
i can teach you too
don't you dare say it's not true
and i get lost so easy
in that baby blue

And we'll throw in these lovely salad tongs!

Tue, 12 Jul 2005 06:36:27 GMT

Hey, Mom and Dad! Your child can be the next corporate bitch!

Just send a self-addressed postcard to:

My-Childhood-was-Ruined-by-Countless-Heart-Wrenching-Experiences-but-Oddly-Enough-I've-Learned-Nothing-but-How-to-Crush-Dreams-and-Physically-Abuse-My-Offspring-Therefore-Setting-the-Platform-for-the-Next-Twenty-Years-of-Their-Therapy-and-Dead-End-Jobs!
740 Kings Hwy.
Rochester, NY
14617